Alumni Sandstorm ~ 5/22/03 - Alan Lobdell
>>From: Alan Lobdell ('69)
Re: Cancer
I am writing this more for my own benefit then anyone
else however, I'm sure that there are those out there
that can identify with what I am about to talk about.
On March 13 of this year my lovely bride, Maxine
Alvanos Lobdell, lost her three and a half year battle
with breast cancer. Its been a tremendous loss for me,
her daughter and my three sons. The last three and a
half years have taken their toll. In January of 2002
she was fighting for her life and I was about to the
end of my rope. There was nothing I could do to stop
the steady growth of the cancer. One day while she was
out with a friend I sat down and tried to write out how
I was feeling The following was what came out.
THE DISCOVERY
There you are guys, lying in bed with your wife. The
woman you love more than anything else in the world.
You have been married for anywhere from ten minutes to
60 years. In my case it was almost two years. The sun
was starting to come in the bedroom window and it
appeared that a beautiful day was blooming. You look
over at your wife who is still somewhat asleep but is
in the process of waking. She looks so peaceful and
beautiful and you think to yourself just how lucky you
are to have someone like her to love and hold. You can
hear birds outside and you know that you have no reason
to get up or rush or do anything other than enjoy the
day. In your mind you are thinking and planning maybe
a day trip to the ocean or mountains or zoo or anything
along those lines to just enjoy being with and having
fun with your lovely girl. In the meantime she is now
awake and snuggles up to you. You love the feel of her
warm soft body next to you. She loves to crawl all
over you so she is holding you as tight as she can.
Her legs are wrapped around you and its almost like
there is only one body in the bed. Does that ever feel
good! She can get you excited just with a special look
and has no idea (or maybe she does) as to how she
excites you by snuggling you in this manner. You of
course respond like you have for years and put your arm
around her and caress her. You feel the softness of
each part of her and you are thrilled as she responds
to your touch. You slowly and very gently caress her
warm soft breast and can feel her starting to get as
excited as you already are. At this point everything
in the world is perfect. You are going to make love
with the woman of your dreams and it does not matter
how many times you have before it is still like the
first time. Your skin is getting goose bumps in
anticipation and then it happens. You feel a strange
lump in one of her breasts. You slowly caress the
breast several times trying to make it go away. You
think to yourself, what do I do now. Its not going
away. You shut down almost instantly as your mind
races to the most terrible thought you could have.
Cancer, CANCER, cancer. What do you do?? What do you
say?? Do you tell her?? Do you keep quite and hope you
are imagining it?? Do you scream?? What are you to
do?? So, you lay there almost in a sweat unable to
remove your hand form the foul spot. She is talking
ever so sweetly to you but you hear nothing. You are
engulfed in a fear that has consumed your entire being.
Your mind has already raced ahead and shown you
standing alone in life without this lovely lady. The
thought of that is almost more then you can mentally
stand. How do you tell the kids, the mother, sisters
and brothers? What do you tell them?? All of this
goes through your mind in less time than it takes to
tell her what you have found. In the few minutes
before you say something to her you die about a
thousand deaths. Why do I have to be the one to
discover something like this? Why did God allow this
vile thing to grow in her? Sometime during this self
talk you have to suppress the fear so you then starting
forcing yourself to believe that it is only a benign
lump that has always been there but you had just never
noticed it before. You know this is a lie but you need
something to hang onto. By this time (only a few
minutes) she has realized something is wrong and is now
asking you why you have stopped what she was so very
much enjoying. She is talking to you but you really
don't hear a word and you try to get her to stop in the
most calm voice you have. You ask to have her hand and
you direct it to the location of the thing you have
found. You place her fingers on it and you die another
thousand deaths when you see the look in her eyes as
she feels the lump. Now, you are having another
entirely different set of fears run through you. You
were hoping you were somehow imaging the whole thing
but there it was, she could feel it also. You cannot
wish it away or ignore it. It was there! The fear in
her eyes cuts through your heart and you feel the most
terrible deep down inside pain and yet not pain, it was
worst then pain, that you could ever feel. It was a
nauseating,empty, longing, loss, hunger terrible
feeling. I just am not able to describe just how awful
it is. Only a man in this situation or one like it
such as the loss of a child could understand this
feeling. I believe it is the worst thing I have ever
felt in my life. She was simply too young and beautiful
to have something like cancer growing within her body.
If you are recent to this feeling due to a discovery
you have made I am here to tell you men, it never goes
away. This is what I have been living with for two
years one month and a few days as of the writing of
this message. It consumes you and will completely
overpower you if you allow it to. At that point you
will be at the mercy of fear. This is something you
had better address from the very beginning and fight as
hard as you can to keep yourself under control. Don't
get me wrong, I didn't mean never let your emotions
out. Let them go. Allow others to be strong for you,
you must do this for you and especially your wife. She
needs you more then ever before for support and you
need someone for support for you. If you have never
read the Bible I would strongly recommend this to you.
You may not believe in the Bible and maybe not even in
God, however you will find a world of good soothing and
helpful words that will give you hope and help you to
survive the following years. I will bet it will even
put you onto the road to belief. You simply cannot
read Gods history and not be deeply affected by it.
The history and word of Jesus will give you the
strength to endure the years following your discovery.
I know this for a fact, I was only just coming to know
the Lord when all of this started. I have leaned on
his word throughout and it has allowed me to keep my
sanity. I have never been loud or boisterous about it
and usually only prayed in private but I have felt a
deep feeling of relief and comfort by this. You too
may only want to pray in private, so do it. Its ok.
You need it. No matter what else happens, no matter
what anyone tells you or what you read never, never ,
never ever give up hope. Its all you have, and you
must never let your wife ever see you or hear you act
or sound like there is no hope or that you have given
up. If you feel that way at times and I guarantee you
will, its alright, just do it somewhere off by
yourself or with a friend that can be trusted. I've had
to make excuses to take one to two hundred mile driving
trips by myself just to allow myself to unload. I'm
sure I am quite a sight for those that don't know when
they see me talking to myself and/crying in the car
driving down the highway. Yes, guys I said crying.
I'm fifty years old, six foot tall and weight 200
pounds, am an ex Marine, skilled in martial arts and I
work out every day to stay hard and yet when I'm alone
I cry like a baby at the thought of my wife having this
disease because I am completely helpless against it.
You too will feel this helplessness and my advice is to
allow yourself to cry. Don't be afraid to do it in
front of her and a few very select friends like your
most trusted friend you can say or do anything in
front of. Again, Its OK!
There will come a time when you will do the exact
opposite of what you want to do. Yes, this sounds
strange but its true. I have a number of times in the
last year found myself saying or doing things to hurt
her. Afterwards I look at myself and ask, Why did I
say or do that? That's not what I wanted to do. Why
did I do it? Believe me guys it will take every bit of
strength you have to force yourself to watch out for
these time and avoid them. They will happen. You
must, You must work this out and put an end to them.
Until this happens to you I'm sure you will not
understand what I am saying but just keep this little
story I'm telling in the back of your mind and you will
remember it when it happens to you. When it does its
up to you and you alone to fix it. I know it happens
because of the stress and pressure and fear you have
been living with but keep in mind for her its much
worse and you my friend have only hurt her more when it
happens. I have done this too many times in the past
year myself. Writing this is helping me to cope with
my problems and I hope maybe it can help you to
understand you are not alone in how you have been
feeling. When you do find yourself hurting her give
her some time alone then go to her and hold her. Tell
her that you are sorry and that you will make a
concentrated effort to never let it happen again. then
stick to what you say. My wife knows that if I ever
say that I promise something it is as good as done.
You must do something like this with your lovely bride.
Oh Yes, never stop telling her how beautiful she is and
how much you love her. If you just said it today,
well, say it again. She needs that more than anything
else in the world. You also need someone to help you
with your feelings more than anything else in the
world. Just remember, it's only the beginning and I'm
sorry to say it will get much worse. Just hang in
there and you will be all right. May God bless you in
your future cancer fight. I pray it never comes.
However, there are those of us out there that have gone
before you. We are just as lost but we are willing to
talk, it helps us too. Look for us before you can take
no more.
A Breast Cancer Husband in Washington State
PS There is simply no way to fully prepare yourself
for that day (if it comes) that you lose her.
-Alan Lobdell ('69)